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"You read about all these terrorists, most of them came
here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas,
some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to
Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these
people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge
of immigration."
-- Jay Leno
"What we know about Osama bin Laden is this-he's worth
$300 million, he has five wives and 26 kids ... and he
hates Americans for their excessive' lifestyle."
-- David Letterman
"The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin
Laden won't solve the problem. But, you know, it couldn't
hurt."
-- Jay Leno
"More and more details coming out now about spoiled rich
kid Osama bin Laden. Time reports this week he was one of
52 kids. Mother must be exhausted. This guy inherited
$80 million at age 13 and has since expanded it to $300
million through construction, smart investments and gas
and oil investments. This way, he can use the money in
his war against capitalism."
-- Jay Leno
"More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden.
You know, he never sleeps in the same place two nights in
a row, just like Clinton."
-- Jay Leno
"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M.
I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We
send her over there, she'll get his money, he'll be dead
in a week."
-- Jay Leno
It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 50 brothers
and sisters. Which absolutely shocked me because I had no
idea he was Catholic"
- Conan O'Brien
One of the Taliban spokesmen said they have thousands of
men who look forward to death like Americans look forward
to living, which is great because we can arrange that.
We'll set them up with death, we'll continue living."
-- Jay Leno
CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual,
we're number three."
-- David Letterman
"Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be
people in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full
of white powder."
-- Jay Leno
"I don't mean to harp on this, but it's like the networks
are a how-to manual for terrorists. You see them on the
news. This reporter is standing outside a water treatment
plant, going, 'If they poured the poison here it could
wipe out thousands because the guard is off duty from noon
until 1 every day!'"
-- Jay Leno
"Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning that
Publishers Clearing House is sending packets of laundry
detergent that could be mistaken for anthrax. Oh, good
timing! What genius came up with this promotion? What's
next? A ticking alarm clock? Let's put that in a box."
-- Jay Leno
"The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters
or packages that have badly misspelled words. Man, this
is going to be terrible news for the rap industry."
-- Jay Leno
"In Pakistan anti-American protesters set a Kentucky Fried
Chicken restaurant on fire. The protesters mistakenly
thought they were attacking high-ranking U.S. military
official Colonel Sanders."
-- Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update
"Tomorrow night on NBC a very special episode of West
Wing, it makes a direct reference to what happened in New
York City. The exact plot is being kept top secret. We
are the only country in the world where we put our battle
plans on CNN, but the plots to our TV shows are top
secret."
-- Jay Leno
"Now this really annoys me: All these people getting on
the Internet and saying Nostradamus predicted this. If
Nostradamus were alive today his name would be Miss Cleo
and he'd be charging $2.99 a minute."
-- Jay Leno
"U.S. Government has said they are now going to go after
the terrorist's electronic banking system. You know what
they should do? They should transfer bin Laden's funds to
my bank. They'd mess up his deposits, screw up his
statement and nickel and dime him to death with service
charges."
-- Jay Leno
"People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the
airport, but let's be honest. If you first name is
Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali, arrive at the
airport extra early."
-- Jay Leno
Everybody is talking about finding bin Laden. How about
finding Dick Cheney? Where did he go? What, have we got
caves over here now, too? Where did he go? I think his
Secret Service code name is 'Waldo.'"
-- Jay Leno
Eleven members of the Washington Redskins Monday were
exposed to a mysterious white powder they had never seen
before: The end zone."
- Jay Leno
President Bush has urged people to get back to normal and
today Congress announced that they are accepting bribes
again."
-- Jay Leno
"The Canadian Prime Minister said Canada would lend the
U.S. its full military support. You know what that
means: Both tanks."
-- Jay Leno

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